So, I love that I have this blog. Right now I am grateful that I have this blog that nobody really reads. It means that I can vent on here a little and the people that it is regarding will never know. It makes life easier. And it keeps me from doing things that would hurt feelings. I really wanted to. My fingers were poised over the delete button in the friends list on Facebook. Thankfully, my sweet husband reminded me that it would only make matters worse. If doing so proved my point, it may be that my little family are the only people that would actually be hurt by this.
I love letters. I love the feel of paper in my hands. I love watching the way handwriting tilts and swirls and you can kind of see emotions. My husband knows that the fastest way to my heart is to get a card and write a heart felt note or to just leave me a little letter somewhere. It gets me every time. I sometimes think I should have been born in another time. A time when you took time out of your life to sit down and ponder what you were going to say. You thought about all of the exciting things you would want to tell someone. You broke heart breaking news and shared in the best of times. Instead today we have messaging on Facebook, where we have replaced real feelings and emotions. We don't have to think about things. We can have instant gratification. We seem to be a world of instant gratification. We want everything and we want it RIGHT now.
The same is true with telephones. Very rarely do we pick up the phone and talk to someone. When we have a question, it somehow seems easier to pull out our phones and just text someone. Even life changing announcements happen via Facebook and text messaging. You don't dare delete anyone as a friend because you might find out that they are having something major happen in their lives. We do care. We just don't care enough to make the effort of calling them. Our lives are too hectic or too crazy to stop and call someone and just say "Hey, I was thinking about you." I can count on one hand the people who call me regularly. One of them is the man sitting next to me. That doesn't leave too many fingers. Yet, I know that there are a lot more people out there who would say that they love me. I believe them. I just think that the world we live in has skewed us so much that we forget to "forget ourselves".
This is not a condemnation of anyone. I am as guilty as the next person. There are certain people that I know would rather talk on social media or text. Instead of calling them, I go for the comfortable. But it is a bad habit to get into. Since we have moved out here, I have family that we haven't talked to on the phone even ONCE. It makes me sad. I felt like we used to be so close. They haven't called me. I haven't called them. We use it as a test. "If I call first, I'm the one giving in. I'm the one who cares more." Why shouldn't we care more? In the eternal scheme of things, if I am judged by my actions, I doubt the Lord will chastise me for "caring about people too much". I'm more likely to be chastised for focusing so much on myself that I forget others. I want to feel emotions. I want my family and friends to know that we love them. I want my kids to talk regularly to Grandma's and Grandpa's. I want my Mom to always know there is a card coming to her when she is having a hard time. It's what life should be like. So even when I feel sad and pathetic for being the person to repeatedly call you, I will. Because you matter to me. I care and I want you to know that. You don't have to care back. This isn't a competition. I don't care if I love you more. There is plenty of room in my heart and plenty of time in my home for love.
I started off this entry determined to say that I was going to stop caring. That I was done with being the only person to call. Somehow, in the end, I am seeing that it is only me that can bring emotions back into my relationships with people. Even if you never return my feelings, I can still feel that way. Isn't that how our Heavenly Father is? He keeps calling us, over and over again. Even when we won't return His calls, He still dials. Even when we ignore His efforts, He still watches over us. He drops cards and letters into our laps regularly, with moments that remind us of the divinity of God and His love for us. But do we respond? Do we take the time to get down on our knees and call Him back. I hope that I can answer this more affirmatively in the future. I hope that starting today, He knows that I love Him back. I hope that starting today, you won't be surprised to get a card from me, or a letter to brighten your day. I hope that I can get over my fear of being the first one to give in and pick up the phone. I hope that when you think of me, you'll call too. I want to hear your voice and know that I matter to you just as much as you matter to me. Let's try to let go of the easy outs and connect again on a personal level.
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