A New Me

I have struggled with my weight my entire life. I think I was ten when someone called me fat. I remember wondering what happened. I didn’t feel fat. I knew I was chubby, but when did I get fat? It continued through Junior High and High School. In High School, through a miracle and a minor case of anorexia, I was able to be slender for the first (and only) time in my life. I remember subsisting on a lot of Diet Coke. I always had to eat dinner at home, so that kept me from completely going off the deep end and made my parents think my rapid weight loss was healthy. To this day, my mother considers that brief moment in my life when I lost all of my weight as a sign that I really can do it if I really set my mind to it.

When I was 27 years old, someone convinced me that I would never get married unless I lost weight. Like a fool, I believed them. I was lonely and tired and just wanted to feel beautiful for once in my life. So, after scraping every last penny together that I could find, I had lap band surgery. Over the course of the next year, I lost about 40 pounds. I was still significantly over weight, but on the mend. While this process was taking place, I started dating the love of my life. Surprisingly, he had known me for several years. At my heaviest and at my new, slightly lighter frame. I remember when I told him about my lap band surgery, he told me that I was a moron to believe that nobody could love a fat girl. He then went on to tell me “I would love you no matter what size you are.”

True to his word, he has. Over the course of our first year of marriage, I lost an additional 20 pounds. I remember thinking I was so close to my goal. And then came our first child. He as perfect. He was everything I had ever hoped for. With him, I felt complete. But I kept on gaining between 15-20 for each pregnancy. Now, I have 3 kids, am 36 years old, and am five pounds heavier than I was with my lap band surgery.

I cry a lot. I worry that my husband won’t love me. I have ankle problems because of my weight and have suffered from serious depression. I have tried every diet under the sun. I don’t eat an enormous amount. People look at overweight people and say a lot of stupid stuff. Like, “If they really wanted to lose weight, they would.” Oh, if it were that simple. I have been fighting this demon for 26 years. I want more than anything to be healthy for my kids. I try to walk. I try to be active and show my kids what healthy is. It just doesn’t seem to work.

For this purpose, I am starting over one last time. We are trying to have another baby, with very little success. I have decided that if I can’t get pregnant, maybe it is God’s way of telling me it is time to get healthy. I am going to start out slow. I would love to lose a lot of weight fast, but I don’t know if that is wise or healthy for me. I joined weight watchers last week. Just online because our finances won’t allow for more. I made my first Weight Watchers Dinner last night. And I am cutting out all food after 8 p.m.. That is usually my hardest time of the day. I get depressed then and then I feed that feeling with snack food.

My amazing husband suggested starting to blog. He suggested that there had to be other women out there who struggled with their weight and who had moments of discouragement. While I am on this journey, we will still be trying to get pregnant. If that happens, the focus will go to maintaining the new lifestyle changes so that after baby four is born, we can pick up. If I don’t get pregnant, I will work my hardest to be the healthiest Mama I can be to my cute kids who deserve the very best.

Join me on this journey. Share what works for you. Share what you struggle with. Together, maybe we can remind each other that the scale really is only a number and our worth is so much more.